I briefly touched on the topic of Fear in a previous post so I will limit the current post to my academic and professional pursuits.
I literally had such a hard time writing this post. I went back and forth trying to figure out how to convey my thoughts and while this doesn't sum up everything it is a good start.
A few missteps in life and I became more and more detoured from my intended game plan, mind you a plan that I crafted as a 10yr old with dreams of being a doctor not know anything about life, living, growing and now my confidence was shaken and diminished. I allowed fear to impact my performance in college, work, and professional settings. In high school I felt so powerful, so smart, so "gifted", so brilliant. Now I was a small fish in a big pond and I was drowning. When people would inquire about my college experience. The first thing I would say was "My high school didn't adequately prepare me for the larger, more diverse and robust educational arena." While this was true to an extent, what was more true was at that time I lacked the confidence, the attitude, and the will to say, "Hey this confidence that I walked in the door with is not misguided or false, I just need to dig a little deeper and pull that "Extra Something" that I know is within me and try harder, study longer and regain my power, my smarts, my gifts and the brilliance that is rightfully mine.
I would overcome one fear and be confronted by the next fear. I didn't think I would graduate from college with the class I entered with. I had a child, worked too much and studied too little but guess what I did graduate. NEXT, Ok so I graduated so what but I bet I won't be able to finish my pre-med prereqs, they said ORGO and Physics are no joke, they said don't take Orgo in the summer, they said don't take Professor X. Just my luck :-/ I had no choice but take Orgo 1 during the summer with of course Professor X but guess what I passed both courses, with "A/A+" at that. NEXT... see the list goes on and on. Nothing I did was good enough, there was always the anticipation of something more challenging, an obstacle that I couldn't possibly overcome. But once I stop anticipating everything that could go wrong and tried to focus on everything that could go right, I definitely noticed a change in my attitude and my outlook on my potential for success improved as well.
Failure, defeat, collapse, losing, whatever you want to call it, I have experienced it all, been there done that, tweeted it, wrote a poem about, the whole nine. But that doesn't mean that I am immune to feeling disappointed or sad. But what it does mean is that when I fall, I have learned to cushion my backside in advance. I have trained my reflexes to react faster. I have learned to take notes so the next time I fall, trust me it wont be in the same spot, on the same day or time. Despite what many may think, falling is inevitable, its just a matter of how you fall, when you fall, and/or how far you fall. Because some falls are so minor you barely notice them while others are so significant they may leave a bruise. So I choose to place my energy else where, now the only thing I think about is challenging myself, accomplishing my goals, proving myself right (not wrong), and being a role model for my child. I cant give up and I have definitely wasted too much time giving in to fear, to waste another second. Time is valuable, so lets make the best of it because before we know it, times up.
