A Fresh Start

This past Saturday as well as yesterday (Monday) I had the pleasure suiting up in my white lab coat, sea green hospital scrubs, and completing hospital rounds with the OB/GYN that I shadow.

Some individuals may have mixed emotions about witnessing child birth. I, on the other hand felt exhilarated, excited, ecstatic, and one step closer to my dreams !!!  Mainly because this was a completely new experience for me. I have never witnessed child birth before. I have a child but the experience of giving birth is far different from witnessing such a miracle. Another reason for my overly excited attitude was because I have always wanted to practice Obstetrics and this was a test for me. If I fainted, felt mere disgust by all of the bodily fluids, visuals and etc then I knew that I could never possibly practice as an OB/GYN. Thankfully, the opposite happened, I was amazed and honored to have been present when this small being took his first breath, the culmination of 40 weeks of gestation, the combination of 2 distinct individuals now residing in one soul. Purely MAGNIFICENT!

The beauty of shadowing at its best is that you are able to truly experience what the physician experiences. Finding a physician that provides you with real-time, "Real life" Medical experiences is so essential to our journey of pursing (pre)-medicine. I am fortunate that I have had nothing but real life medical experiences during my time shadowing. When I shadowed a Psychiatrist, she allowed me to sit in during her sessions with patients (with their consent of course), we talked about medication management and I had homework (research neurological pathways, medication mechanisms, specific disorders etc.) When I shadowed in Family Medicine, I reviewed lab results, xrays, EKGs, used my stethoscope (I felt I Doogie Howser or better yet Meredith Grey LOL), observed the physician during the patient encounters, went over EOBs, lack of sufficient reimbursement from insurance companies and tons of other things. And now during Obstetrics and Gyno, I have the opportunity to have more real life experiences. I am learning new things everyday. Is healthcare equal for all? NO. Do all physicians have the same work ethic, reasons for practicing, and aptitude? I doubt it. Is the compensation/debt ratio fair? Definitely not. But, as I continue to shadow, read, research, and so on, I am reaffirmed that this is definitely what I want to do, no doubts about it. I am quite sure this will be challenging, there will be many sleepless nights, there will be days when I have mothers' guilt. And, I will have to push myself to new limits, suck it up and know that my decision to pursue medicine is not just for me but for my family and for those that need someone like me advocating for their health rights. After experiencing childbirth firsthand and now witnessing the miracle of life from a different perspective, a new spark as been lit. If God gave me the ability to sustain another life within me, while also putting it in my heart the skills and passion to help someone else bring life into our world, help heal, and bring comfort to those transitioning, I know I can handle any curveball thrown my way.

Life is so Fair...

... Said No One Ever!

      I do a lot of self reflection, some about my past, how far I've come, mistakes I've made, lessons I've learned, people I've met and some I wish I would have never met LOL; some about the present, how I make use of my time and with whom, and then some about my future, where will I (and my family) be 5 yrs, 10 yrs, 20 yrs from now, I think about practicing medicine and yes I even think about not practicing medicine. However, not in the sense that I see myself doing something else in life but more like what if my scores aren't good enough, or what if I can't impress the admissions committee during my interview, what if I never get the chance to be the person I have always envisioned.
       So its not so surprising that there was a time when I lost a lot of sleep thinking about my past (mainly the mistakes) and thinking the future (my hopes and dreams and even my nightmares). Now I can say that I don't loose as much sleep as I once did, my daydreaming about rotations, practicing and even boards don't consume as much of my day as they once did. Because I realize more and more everyday that my past is in my past, I can't change it, I can't ask for a redo and traveling in time doesn't exist yet. And my future is unknown. For the most part I like to think that I have the power to write new chapters as I go and in a sense I do but God really has already determined where I will be 5 yrs, 10 yrs, 20 yrs from now and there are probably several paths predestined for me depending on my attitude and the decisions I make. So I am trying to worry less and live more and I definitely encourage the same to anyone that might be struggling with letting go of past grades, scores, friendship(any kind of -ship) and if you find yourselves to preoccupied with the future, just LET GO!